Not Quite Right (but Working On It)

I know I need to be more positive about myself. I spend a lot of time beating myself up, which isn't exactly healthy. Today I am making a list. A list of things that can I go to on the down days and say to myself, "see, it's not so bad." Here's the list of the things I like about my body. I have good hair. It's thick and generally behaves. It has a  little curl to it and is easy to control. One day I'll let myself go grey, but, for now, I maintain the brunette I've been all of my life. When I was younger, I viewed my hair as a chore; I wasn't interested in the feathered haircuts that were so popular when I was in high school. Now I know that I can just let my hair dry and it'll be fine. I would say that I would have saved a lot of time in high school if I knew that, but I really didn't put too much work into it, even then. I have good skin. When I was a teen, it remained mostly clear and, as a lady of a certain age, it's relativel...

Let's talk about my anxiety for a minute. My anxiety makes me edit and edit and edit. I edit my choices, I edit what I think I should say, I edit what I need to do in my life. Maybe if I made this decision, or that one, things would be different. I didn't understand that I was fighting this thing until I was in my 40s. I thought everyone's head was like mine. There's a part of me that's glad to know that my head could be better but there's a part of me that is so jealous of those folks who can live their lives without wondering about their choices. That they can just accept. There are different types of anxiety. One type feels like the world is a scary place and it will do terrible things to you. The other feels like they have to control everything or things will fall apart. I am in the latter category. I have back-ups to my back-ups. I play out scenarios in my head. I rerun conversations, wonder what I could have said better or clearer or kinder. I could ...

I sometimes dream that my body is different. In some dreams, I am a runner. I can run for miles and miles, and I am so very strong. I feel myself running over fields and not getting tired. I try to beat my best times. I dream that I'm on "Survivor." I don't win but I make it pretty far through the season.  I do pretty well at the challenges and my teammates view me as a valuable member of the tribe. I always make it to the jury. I'm one of those contestants that get invited back for the all-star seasons. I've done as well as coming in fifth, which isn't too bad. In some dreams, I am very thin. I'm the kind of thin that has my body flat and muscular and without curves. I wear clothes that I could never wear now. This is a type of body body that I would never get; I'm simply not shaped like this. I have dreams that I have been dieting and I realize I've eaten a bunch of food that is not on my diet at all: whole cakes, stacks of cookies, a...

I have spent a lot of time writing about what worries me or how I struggle with myself, but I need to tell you about the most wonderful thing in my life: Handsome Writer Man. I have known HWM since I was in high school. He thought I was cute then; he thinks I am beautiful now. When he came back into my life, my world opened up. When he smiles at me, I know everything will be alright. When he holds me, I am strengthened and at peace. HWM is a writer and an artist. He sees so much beauty and magic in the world. He takes chances in life. He says his prayers. He is mild-mannered, but he fights for what is right. HWM always believes in me. He thinks I'm an artist and talented and incredible. He pushes me to be my best. He loves me and always sees the best in me. He makes me smile and he makes me laugh. He is my rock. When I think of all of this, I cry happy tears. Reader, I married him.

Now I weigh XXX. How did this happen? How did my body get further away from me than it ever has? How did I get to a place where I literally cry over what I've become? It's a lot of little things that came together. In the past few years, I've moved twice, gotten two new jobs, had a lot of changes in routine, and struggled with being a lady of a certain age. I would say that last item is the one that has lead to the greatest struggle. In the past, when my weight would creep upwards, I could try a diet, and, slowly, get my weight down. But these days, it seems to go up, but it doesn't want to go down. I have tried a number of things over the past couple of years: Weight Watchers (again and again), low carb, portion control, more exercise, fasting days, not eating after 4, combinations of the above. None have been successful. The weight hangs around like a bad habit. It's terribly frustrating. I get that a number of these things could be done just as an attempt...

I started working again, and, for a while, I did maintain my body in a reasonable weight range. It was hard: the new company had food around a lot: breakfasts with loads of pastries and delicious treats, free lunches, snacks. We all joked about the 10 pounds we gained when we started working there. I did gain those 10 pounds, but in the scope of all I lost, I could live with this. Sure, I couldn't wear certain clothes and I would favor clothes that hid my sins a bit more, but, overall, things remained manageable for a few years. I was busy, happy in the job, my life was chugging along. About ten years ago, it all crumbled. No need to go into details but within a short period of time I had a job crisis that led to a new job in a new city, and I separated from my then-husband. I was living alone in an apartment in a new place. The stress was enough that I started to lose weight, which was awesome. (Perhaps not the healthiest approach, but I take what I get.) And since I was alo...

It was a few years into grad school when we moved away from the gym. Although I lost the muscle definition, I still maintained my weight at a decent level. But then, as is my pattern, I started to ignore my diet. I was busy with grad school, I lived an hour away, I was working so hard I deserved to eat what I wanted. And the weight began to go upwards. I graduated and got a job teaching college. The hours were long, and I was exhausted all the time. I ate and ate whatever I wanted, and rarely exercised. I told myself I was busy and needed to treat myself. I realized that my "dream job" as a professor, the driving factor for going to grad school and putting up with all that nonsense, was not a job I wanted. After two years of teaching, I didn't renew my contract, but I had no idea what it was I wanted to do. I had time to fill, so I joined a gym. I joined Weight Watchers again. At my first weigh-in, they told me I needed to lose 55 pounds to make it to my goal weight...