Not Quite Right (but Working On It)

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My cough -- the past

August 19, 2017

I've always coughed more than average. As a kid, I always had that tickle. Every cold came with a I suppose there are people who go days without coughing but that's impossible for me to even imagine. This cough is not just the occasional clearing of the throat. It's a full-blown cough. It's the kind of cough where people turn their heads when they hear it and ask me if I'm alright. This may be too much information, but if my bladder isn't fairly empty, I have to cross my legs. Sometimes I almost throw up. Tears come to me eyes and I get lightheaded. It's not pretty. It comes and goes as to intensity. The first time it got really bad was when I was in college. I went to the doctor, he couldn't figure out anything, I got referred to another, then another doctor. I had x-rays and and blood work, all completely without any problem. I went to an allergist (no allergies) and a pulmonary doctor, who had me blow into tubes to check lung volume. Even though

Anxiety dreams

August 11, 2017

I have vivid dreams. When I am in those dreams, they are real to me. My anxiety bubbles up in my dreams. I sometimes wake up unsure what is real and what was in my head. One dream I've been having involves moving. I am moving and packing things up. I have so much stuff. I want to keep as much as I can, but I don't have room and I don't have time to pack it all. I am out of boxes or room in the car or suitcases. I have to leave some things behind. Sometimes, I make it all fit. In other dreams, I find a bunch of things I forgot to pack, a bunch of important things. How will I fit it all in? What new choices to do I have to make? It's obvious to me, in my waking hours, what this means. It's about choices. It's about find the treasures and getting rid of the junk. It's about going forward with the right stuff. I understand this when I am awake, but my sleeping brain will still be reminding me of this anxiety. When I am dreaming, I am panicked, trying to fi

The drugs I take

August 05, 2017

I am writing these posts to learn more about myself: my insides and outside. Today I am listing all the drugs I take. I do worry about taking too many things, but I also want to fix myself. I feel that doctors prescribe stuff to quickly "cure" what ails you, but, at the same time, I do know that some of these are necessary. I work in pharma and I see all sides. I know there is no magic pill that fixes everyone and that it's almost impossible to predict what will work and what will be useless or, even worse, have bad side effects. I suspect I need to shift what I am taking. I have low thyroid so I take synthroid. I've been on the same dose for about 10 years, longer even, so I guess it's what I need. My metabolism is slow as molasses, but I also know that thyroid meds aren't the cure-all. Even on the synthroid, my body holds onto weight like it's precious gold. I do know that if I forget to take it in the morning, my head gets all wacky. I have a chro

The good stuff: Non-head issue

August 02, 2017

I have some good things about myself that are outside my body. In fact, given that I'm not a huge fan of my body, this stuff is actually more important to me. This feels weird to me, bragging about myself (and, yes, I am aware that even the term "bragging" puts a negative on this. But that's my head and, as the title says, I'm working on it.) However, if I could tear my body apart, I can also build myself up a little, so here it goes. I'm pretty smart and I know stuff. I read a lot and I'm always trying to teach myself new things. I've got an impressive degree (PhD in biology) from a really good school (UPenn), if you need outside proof. I try to be kind and generous. I always think that I can do more, which may be a sign that I really am these things. I am thinking that a person who isn't very kind can be happy with being kind enough. I have put fewer conditions on my generosity these past years. I no longer think someone needs to earn my ge

The Good Stuff: Body Issue

July 29, 2017

I know I need to be more positive about myself. I spend a lot of time beating myself up, which isn't exactly healthy. Today I am making a list. A list of things that can I go to on the down days and say to myself, "see, it's not so bad." Here's the list of the things I like about my body. I have good hair. It's thick and generally behaves. It has a little curl to it and is easy to control. One day I'll let myself go grey, but, for now, I maintain the brunette I've been all of my life. When I was younger, I viewed my hair as a chore; I wasn't interested in the feathered haircuts that were so popular when I was in high school. Now I know that I can just let my hair dry and it'll be fine. I would say that I would have saved a lot of time in high school if I knew that, but I really didn't put too much work into it, even then. I have good skin. When I was a teen, it remained mostly clear and, as a lady of a certain age, it's relativel

How's your head?

July 27, 2017

Let's talk about my anxiety for a minute. My anxiety makes me edit and edit and edit. I edit my choices, I edit what I think I should say, I edit what I need to do in my life. Maybe if I made this decision, or that one, things would be different. I didn't understand that I was fighting this thing until I was in my 40s. I thought everyone's head was like mine. There's a part of me that's glad to know that my head could be better but there's a part of me that is so jealous of those folks who can live their lives without wondering about their choices. That they can just accept. There are different types of anxiety. One type feels like the world is a scary place and it will do terrible things to you. The other feels like they have to control everything or things will fall apart. I am in the latter category. I have back-ups to my back-ups. I play out scenarios in my head. I rerun conversations, wonder what I could have said better or clearer or kinder. I could

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