And so it begins

I want to fix myself. Okay, if I'm being honest, I'm not terribly broken. In fact, I have a lot of great things in my life: wonderful marriage, great job, fabulous place to live, lots to love here. But I feel I am off. It's like I have most of the pieces and I just need to rearrange them. Which is where I want to begin.

I am using this as a place to get honest. A confessional. A place to dump my negative mojo. Please don't tell me a shouldn't feel a certain way or try to change it. Warning: I will have bad days and I'll probably cuss. A lot. But I want this to be a place I can go to vent or cry or brag. It will be selfish.

Here is where I begin: I am fat. I weigh XXX today (I won't be honest enough to put the actual number out there, but I am hoping that XXX becomes XXX-YY pounds) and I do not feel good about this. I think about this way too often each day. I cry over my body almost every day. This is the largest I have been and I hate it. There is nothing I can wear that makes me feel cute or lovely. I describe myself as a blob. There is no part of my body I can look at with any joy.

I have tried to diet and tried to exercise and, while I know I could do both more, I have had no success and I can hardly express how much this frustrates me. Part of it is being a lady of a certain age, part of it is the luck of the body I was given. (Even when I was "skinny" in high school, I needed to lose a few pounds.) I have the metabolism of a slug, and I joke that I could survive a famine for years. Yes, I've been to an endocrinologist and my thyroid numbers are fine. But I know I need to work harder and I hope to do this.

In addition to the weight, I have a chronic cough that seems to be getting worse. I have been to so many doctors about this, and they are happy to tell me that it's not cancer, asthma, allergies, lung issues, sinus issues, sleep issues, or any one of the things they've checked for. "So, what is it?" They shrug and send me to another doctor. And on top of this all, I have anxiety and self-confidence issues.

I want to fix myself. And this is where I begin. I am confessing my issues and putting it out there. I am putting my plans out to those who stumble onto this, and hoping this becomes a catalyst. My first goal: write about this every day for at least a month. Tomorrow, I'll lay some plans on you.

Comments

  1. TracyAugust 11, 2017 at 8:26 AM

    You are awesome. I have watched you from afar and am secretly terribly envious.
    Not feeling good in your own body is TERRIBLE. You just can't away from it. I hope you find a solution that works for you. Putting in the effort for a year is well worth the payoff.
    Are you on any meds for high BP? Just a thought on the coughing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AMAAugust 11, 2017 at 4:23 PM

    No BP meds. I'm lucky that my BP has always been in check; I know those meds can have a lot of side effects. Thanks for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete

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