Not Quite Right (but Working On It)

My cough never truly went away, but it was manageable. In the morning, I'd have to clear things out, and when I had a cold, it kicked into high gear, but it was so much better than it had been. But about six months ago, it kicked back in. I was taking the same drugs, but it did feel like my body was falling apart. I was gaining weight, I just didn't feel right. I know part of it was being a lady of a certain age, but why was I coughing more? I thought we fixed this! Plus, I was snoring more than ever. I started the parade of doctors, again. This time it was a new batch, since I had moved since the last round of poking and prodding. My general doctor agreed that I was taking a lot of drugs, but had no solutions. Blood work was done and everything was normal. I went to a ear-nose-throat guy who listened to my lungs, shoved a tube up my nose, and found nothing. (I had the flu at the time and when I asked him about something to help that, he said he wasn't that kind of do

I've always coughed more than average. As a kid, I always had that tickle. Every cold came with a I suppose there are people who go days without coughing but that's impossible for me to even imagine. This cough is not just the occasional clearing of the throat. It's a full-blown cough. It's the kind of cough where people turn their heads when they hear it and ask me if I'm alright. This may be too much information, but if my bladder isn't fairly empty, I have to cross my legs. Sometimes I almost throw up. Tears come to me eyes and I get lightheaded. It's not pretty. It comes and goes as to intensity. The first time it got really bad was when I was in college. I went to the doctor, he couldn't figure out anything, I got referred to another, then another doctor. I had x-rays and and blood work, all completely without any problem. I went to an allergist (no allergies) and a pulmonary doctor, who had me blow into tubes to check lung volume. Even though

I have vivid dreams. When I am in those dreams, they are real to me. My anxiety bubbles up in my dreams. I sometimes wake up unsure what is real and what was in my head. One dream I've been having involves moving. I am moving and packing things up. I have so much stuff. I want to keep as much as I can, but I don't have room and I don't have time to pack it all. I am out of boxes or room in the car or suitcases. I have to leave some things behind. Sometimes, I make it all fit. In other dreams, I find a bunch of things I forgot to pack, a bunch of important things. How will I fit it all in? What new choices to do I have to make? It's obvious to me, in my waking hours, what this means. It's about choices. It's about find the treasures and getting rid of the junk. It's about going forward with the right stuff. I understand this when I am awake, but my sleeping brain will still be reminding me of this anxiety. When I am dreaming, I am panicked, trying to fi

I am writing these posts to learn more about myself: my insides and outside. Today I am listing all the drugs I take. I do worry about taking too many things, but I also want to fix myself. I feel that doctors prescribe stuff to quickly "cure" what ails you, but, at the same time, I do know that some of these are necessary. I work in pharma and I see all sides. I know there is no magic pill that fixes everyone and that it's almost impossible to predict what will work and what will be useless or, even worse, have bad side effects. I suspect I need to shift what I am taking. I have low thyroid so I take synthroid. I've been on the same dose for about 10 years, longer even, so I guess it's what I need. My metabolism is slow as molasses, but I also know that thyroid meds aren't the cure-all. Even on the synthroid, my body holds onto weight like it's precious gold. I do know that if I forget to take it in the morning, my head gets all wacky. I have a chro

I have some good things about myself that are outside my body. In fact, given that I'm not a huge fan of my body, this stuff is actually more important to me. This feels weird to me, bragging about myself (and, yes, I am aware that even the term "bragging" puts a negative on this. But that's my head and, as the title says, I'm working on it.) However, if I could tear my body apart, I can also build myself up a little, so here it goes. I'm pretty smart and I know stuff. I read a lot and I'm always trying to teach myself new things. I've got an impressive degree (PhD in biology) from a really good school (UPenn), if you need outside proof. I try to be kind and generous. I always think that I can do more, which may be a sign that I really am these things. I am thinking that a person who isn't very kind can be happy with being kind enough. I have put fewer conditions on my generosity these past years. I no longer think someone needs to earn my ge